


Before and During

by Amethystina



Category: The Losers (2010)
Genre: (because that's how I roll), And bordering internalized homophobia, Cougar coming to terms with his sexuality, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Which means a lot of self-reflection, but still fluffy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 10:46:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4518930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amethystina/pseuds/Amethystina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It makes sense for Cougar to measure time in "Before Jensen" and "During Jensen," considering how much his life has changed since he got to know him. Jensen has altered the way Cougar views the world, simply by existing. Sometimes the changes are small, but other times they leave Cougar reeling.</p><p>Like when he realizes that his feelings for Jensen aren't entirely platonic. Cougar has never been attracted to a man before, but it seems like Jensen might very well have changed that too, for better or worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before and During

**Author's Note:**

> This came to be when [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) threw out a comment about Cougar measuring his time in "Before Jensen" and "During Jensen," in the middle of a document she was beta reading. I really loved the idea, and decided to add an extra twist. I've always wanted to write something where Cougar considers himself as straight, but finds himself attracted to and in love with Jensen. And then watch him handle that, basically.
> 
> So this is that, and I hope you will enjoy it!

 

Cougar was well aware that there were several different ways with which you could measure time, and it differed from person to person which tools you used.

Clay was a soldier through and through, going by military time even when on leave, and often remembered events based on between or during which missions they had taken place. He went month by month, rather than weeks or days.

Roque was similar, but with the slight difference that he preferred to measure it as time spent on and off missions, in two separate categories, with clear annual breaks for easier filing. Roque was structured in his grip of time, and had a startlingly good memory.

Pooch was often counting down to things: the next call he could make to Jolene, the next time he could hear Jolene's voice, and the next time he would get to see Jolene. But he was also more prone to count days rather than weeks or months, despite how high numbers that could occasionally accumulate.

Jensen counted time in regards to Beth's age, sometimes seemingly forgetting that there had been a time before it. Jensen was also fond of minutes and seconds — precision to the point of impracticality — because to him, everything that moved slower was less interesting. Useful and noteworthy, yes, but with his attention-span and hobbies a second was all it took for things to go from intriguing to boring.

Cougar divided his time into Before Jensen and During Jensen. It had taken him a while to even realize it, but that was his way of measuring the passing of time. It was aided by days, weeks, months, and years, but in all honestly — those two were the only ones that really mattered.

He was naturally aware that there might also — sometime in the future — come an After Jensen, but Cougar prayed that it would be as brief as possible, if it occurred at all.

Most of the time he refused to even think about it.

It was convenient and surprisingly efficient to divide his thinking in this way, mainly because so many things had changed since he had met Jensen. Some for the better, others, well — some only made Cougar confused, but more often than not he tried not to think about that either.

Cougar had, for an example, never quite understood the truth about silence until he met Jensen. He had always assumed that silence was a good thing — a time for contemplation and focus, leading the way towards peace and tranquility — but that was not the case During Jensen. Cougar still _liked_ silence, but it had also become one of the most terrifying things he could think of, depending on when it occurred.

Silence meant that something was wrong with Jensen.

Even if they were just at the team's shared house on base, it was never quiet. Jensen always had something to say, a song to butcher, or sat talking to his computer as if it was a sentient being. Sometimes even Cougar forgot that it wasn't.

So whenever Jensen fell silent, it meant that something had happened. Sometimes it was just him getting too focused to remember things such as eating and sleeping — which Cougar kept an eye out for, simply because he'd rather not have his best friend starve — and sometimes it was him planning a prank that was best to either deter or supervise, if need be.

Then there were the really horrible times when Jensen became quiet and solemn, drifting through the house in complete silence, like a pale, lifeless imitation of himself. It usually happened when the nightmares had been particularly bad. It was nightmares they all had but pretended that they didn't, simply because they had no idea how to deal with them — not their own, and certainly not their teammates'.

But even that paled in comparison to the feeling when silence settled over the comms during a mission. Nothing could possibly describe the sheer terror that Cougar felt when Jensen's running commentary suddenly seized, leaving the rest of the team to face a suffocating silence that seemed to press ruthlessly against Cougar's eardrums.

He couldn't breathe. It was as if the very air had been sucked from his lungs and whenever he tried to draw his next breath, his throat would close in fear. He couldn't think. His entire world narrowed down to how to get to Jensen. How to find him and help him and make him start talking again.

Cougar was infinitely grateful that he had always arrived on time. Even if Jensen was unconscious and bleeding, Cougar found him, before the steady, comforting thrum of his pulse faded entirely. Cougar never wanted to find out what After Jensen would feel like, when silence would reign supreme and everything would be empty and dull.

Before Jensen, Cougar had thought silence to be a necessity for his own well-being. It had seemed like something that was essential in defining Cougar's existence — his natural state of being — but since meeting Jensen, Cougar had learned that it wasn't that simple.

Silence was something to be feared.

Just because Cougar rarely spoke didn't mean that silence was the best alternative. It wasn't soothing or helped him focus if the silence meant that Jensen had, for one reason or another, stopped making sounds. It was no longer how Cougar's world worked. Jensen had effectively rearranged it, just by his mere presence. He hadn't asked or done it intentionally, but the change was there all the same. Cougar had made room for him — opened up his life and let Jensen in — and now he was there to stay. It was near inconceivable to imagine life without him. It just didn't work.

Cougar had a long list of things that were different During Jensen. It was why he had started to label it as such in the first place.

Small things, like always buying more toothpaste than necessary, because Jensen kept stealing his. Something Cougar retaliated for by using Jensen's shampoo, which smelled a lot better than his own. Or how Cougar always took a detour into Jensen's room when it was time to do laundry, adding the stray garments Jensen had forgotten when he had done his a couple of days earlier into Cougar's pile. This resulted in both Cougar and Jensen wearing each other's clothes on occasion, but they usually chose to just shrug it off and return them next time they were clean.

But there were also big things.

Like how Jensen was always, no matter the situation and circumstances, the first person Cougar sought out. Be it during a mission, when he woke up, or when he returned home from buying groceries. He always, without fail, managed to locate Jensen long before he even considered any of the others. It wasn't that he was worried or had to in order to feel relaxed — it just happened.

It came naturally, like so many other things During Jensen.

Like casual physical touches between friends. It had never seemed all that inviting or something to look forward to Before Jensen, but During Jensen it did. Because Jensen made it seem easy. He bumped into Cougar, nudged him, pushed him, prodded and poked, but it was never bad. No one else ever got to touch him the way Jensen did, but it came natural all the same.

Before Jensen, Cougar had never craved the closeness that came from being in someone else's personal space — unless it involved sex of course, which it didn't with Jensen. Cougar hadn't even known that there was such a variety to physical touching until he met Jensen. He hadn't realized that sometimes a friendly, soothing touch could be just as satisfying as a sensual one. It depended on the circumstances and the people involved, and Jensen never disappointed.

He touched Cougar with such familiarity and fondness that Cougar was helpless to resist. He seemed to be in constant motion towards Jensen, and didn't struggle the times Jensen gravitated towards him in return. Sometimes they met halfway, and sometimes Cougar didn't even realize that they had until he felt Jensen standing close enough that they were practically draped over each other. He had nothing against that, whatsoever.

Before Jensen, he would have recoiled at the very thought of letting someone inside his personal bubble, but that too had changed During Jensen.

He was softer.

The team didn't seem to notice, but Cougar most certainly did. He wasn't as decisive, firm, or ruthless as before. He tweaked his own rules to accommodate Jensen — to make him happy and to see him smile.

Cougar often found himself smiling back, to his own surprise.

He hadn't been _un_ happy Before Jensen, but he had a distinct impression of being _less_ happy. Of things being bleaker and more boring, because it was virtually impossible to feel down with someone like Jensen nearby. Someone who showered you with love and affection — unconditionally and without hesitation — and, despite being annoying and a bit unbearable at times, always had your best interest at heart.

Jensen wasn't gullible or naïve, but he was disarmingly caring and loyal.

Cougar had known loyalty Before Jensen, but it left a distinctly different impression now.

It tasted like the warm chocolate Jensen made when he knew that Cougar had just woken up from a nightmare, gasping and choking on a scream. It smelled like the popcorn Jensen insisted on having during their movie nights, when he snuggled up with blankets and pillows that he always ended up sharing with Cougar at some point, despite claiming that they were his. It was the sound of gunfire and his name shouted over the comms when Jensen realized that Cougar needed backup. It was the warmth of Jensen against his back and the comforting beat of his heart when they slept in cramped quarters during missions.

The word loyalty was so deeply entwined with impressions and memories of Jensen that Cougar had a hard time remembering what it had meant to him, when he hadn't actually known Jensen. Cougar trusted Jensen with his life, his sanity, and his weaknesses, even if he never spoke of them directly. Jensen just knew. He could tell when Cougar needed time alone, or when he needed company and something to distract him from the thoughts churning inside his head. Jensen never asked outright or forced Cougar to talk about it, he just accepted, soothing what anxieties he could.

It wasn't like that with anyone else on the team. Cougar liked them and trusted them, but never as unconditionally and easily as he did Jensen. It came naturally. In a way, Cougar had started to consider most reactions he had to Jensen and the things surrounding him as natural and instinctual.

Except one.

Cougar had a long list of things that were different During Jensen — some of them he laughed about, some of them worried him, and some of them he loved — but what they had in common was that he rarely questioned them. Accepting them meant accepting Jensen, and it was important to acknowledge the impact Jensen had on Cougar's life — how much happiness and contentment he had brought with him.

Except that one thing that Cougar couldn't quite find himself reconciling with.

It wasn't because he didn't want to, or for lack of trying. It wasn't even that he despised Jensen for being the indirect cause for it. The problem was that it was too big. Too sudden. Too terrifying.

Before Jensen, Cougar had always considered himself as straight. He had, during his time in the military, run into the concept of soldiers lending each other a hand — literally and figuratively — but it had never appealed to him, not even for the sake of much needed release. He was strictly into women, not out of some misguided attempt to protect his sense of manliness or to avoid facing parts of himself he might have repressed, but because men didn't interest him. It was that simple. He hadn't found a single man that he was attracted to.

Until Jensen.

In a way, Cougar should probably have expected it, considering how many other things Jensen had turned upside-down when he burst into Cougar's life, but it had still come as a surprise. Fact was, it had taken Cougar months to even acknowledge what was happening.

He had been straight Before Jensen. But During Jensen he was beginning to realize that things weren't that easy. It wasn't black and white anymore.

He noticed things about Jensen that he shouldn't take note of, considering that they were best friends and their relationship decidedly platonic. Like the width of his shoulders, the smooth curve of his back, the pattern and flecks of color in his oh so blue eyes, and the different nuances of his smiles — and how something in Cougar's chest would give a little jolt whenever he saw them.

Or how he wanted to be the one to make Jensen laugh, and see him lazy and sleep-mussed in the morning. How he wanted to both protect him from everything that could harm him, and simultaneously give him everything he could possibly want, including the opportunity to explore the world and everything in it. Cougar felt a devotion to Jensen that he hadn't even understood was as far from platonic as you could possibly get, until he was already neck deep in it.

Cougar suspected that it started when Jensen let him know that he was open to sex with both genders — in his characteristically blunt and foolishly reckless way. They were sitting at the house, just the two of them. Pooch was on a date with Jolene, while Roque and Clay were grocery shopping, as their schedule of household chores dictated.

"I'm bi."

Cougar almost sent the deck of cards he was lazily shuffling scattering across the room in sheer surprise, which said quite a lot about how sudden Jensen's blurted out confession was. Luckily enough for Cougar, he seemed to freeze rather than flinch.

He allowed himself a couple of seconds for the words to sink in before he turned his gaze towards Jensen. He was sitting cross-legged in the opposite armchair, computer in his lap and glasses reflecting the bright light from the screen. It wasn't until he carefully closed the lid of the laptop that Cougar could see his eyes clearly.

"I know you're not asking and I shouldn't be telling, but I want you to know." There was something akin to stubbornness in Jensen's eyes — or maybe it was defiance. His fingers were tapping restlessly against the laptop lid, however, revealing just how nervous he had to be. "You... you won't report it, will you?"

Cougar should. He had always tried to be an exemplary soldier — or as exemplary as one could while being a Loser — but when it came to Jensen, all bets were off. Rules went flying out the window and Cougar's sense of rational thinking often followed with it. Everyone knew that. Clay and Roque had even started to factor it in when planning their missions, since it was obvious that when it came to Jensen, Cougar had a serious and inconvenient case of tunnel vision.

It wasn't bad enough to jeopardize their missions, but one was wise to take it into consideration, since Cougar had a tendency to prioritize a bit differently than he probably should have.

"Cougs?" Jensen seemed nervous now — more frightened than Cougar ever wanted him to sound when looking at him. Cougar realized that he had been sitting there, wordlessly staring at Jensen with a slight frown on his face.

"I won't," he assured, knowing that it would calm Jensen more than a simple shake of his head.

And it was true, too. Cougar wouldn't tell.

But his fingers might be clutching the deck of cards tighter than necessary.

Was he shocked?

Yes and no.

Cougar didn't have a habit of trying to figure out his teammates' sexual orientation, but it wasn't that big of a stretch to imagine that Jensen — with his boisterous personality and almost desperate need for love and affection — would find more than one gender attractive. It felt weird, Cougar could admit that, because he'd had a Catholic upbringing. Despite his mother's attempts to shield him from the hateful opinions some of their fellow churchgoers, Cougar had still heard. It had been impossible not to.

People thought it was unnatural. Filthy. Disgusting.

Cougar didn't, not exactly, but it did stump him a little. This wasn't the kind of thing he usually encountered, and he didn't like the thought of relating Jensen to the bigoted opinions that might subconsciously be drifting around inside his head. Cougar was self-aware enough to know that he might have been indoctrinated to have opinions without actually having formed them himself.

But if Jensen was bisexual, then that was just something he had to accept, however confusing and weird it might feel.

More than anything, though, Cougar felt afraid. Not for himself or his masculinity — Jensen touched him a lot, sure, but never with a sexual undertone and always with Cougar's consent — but what could happen if anyone else found out. DADT was not to be taken lightly, and while Cougar felt a distinct flare of pride at being considered trustworthy enough that Jensen wanted to share it with him, he knew the risks.

Jensen could get kicked out.

"Good. Thanks," Jensen mumbled, most of his confidence having given way to something that looked a lot like anxiousness. "I just— I wanted you to know. Because I... well... I want you to."

Cougar frowned. It was uncharacteristic for Jensen to stumble over his words.

"Why?" Cougar asked softly, trying to help it along, even if he felt uncomfortable. He didn't want to. He hated the thought of something like this changing the way he looked at Jensen — he wanted to be better than that — but it was unavoidable that he felt out of his depth.

Jensen's gaze snapped up to meet his, boring into Cougar's as if it would help him find the answers he was looking for. Several breathless, tense seconds passed. It was unnerving and sent a shiver down Cougar's spine. And he wasn't all that sure that it was a good thing when Jensen seemed to deflate, slumping where he sat in his armchair, looking dejected and miserable.

"I mean... you're completely straight, right?" Jensen's tone was completely off, but Cougar couldn't place how or why that was.

Still, he nodded.

For a brief second Jensen seemed to freeze, but it was so fleeting that Cougar couldn't help wondering if he had imagined it. Jensen's expression was blanker than before, but that could be attributed to him outing himself to his best friend — while they were on base, no less.

"Yeah, I figured," Jensen mumbled, looking down at the closed laptop lid for a second. When he cleared his throat it sounded a lot more painful than it should have. "I just— I don't want to hide it from you, you know? I know it's more of a burden than a privilege at this point, but I want you to know." Jensen swallowed. "You know me better than anyone, and it's such a big part of who I am and... we're best friends."

Jensen's voice quivered, almost to the point of catching, on the last word. Cougar wasn't sure whether to feel horrified that Jensen thought that he — or any part of him — was a burden to Cougar, or worried that he had been afraid that Cougar wouldn't accept him. It was still awkward, yes, but Cougar would always, no matter the circumstances, try. At least for Jensen.

"It's okay," he tried to reassure, but Jensen didn't smile. "I want to know."

"Really?" There was a spark of innocent hope in Jensen's voice.

Cougar was too happy to hear it to consider whether or not he was lying when he replied.

" _Sí_." He nodded. "Thank you for telling me."

The relief in Jensen's eyes wasn't exactly convincing, but Cougar decided that he might just have to settle. As long as Jensen wasn't suffering. Cougar could no doubt handle and accept this, just like every other thing he had previously handled and accepted involving Jensen.

That list was pretty long too.

It really wasn't that Cougar wanted to be hateful or judgmental — the very thought made his skin crawl. But he couldn't help that he felt a flinch of hesitation at Jensen's confession. Mostly because it was new, and because Cougar had never really considered what he would do if someone in his surrounding ended up admitting to being homosexual or bisexual. He was pretty certain that he knew several people who were, but he had never gotten it confirmed before.

It threw him.

Because it was new and different. Because it raised several questions that he had never thought to ask before, and consequentially never gotten answered either. Not with his Catholic upbringing and the policies of the army on top of that. Both had taught him not to ask or tell. Both had taught him that homosexuality was outside the norm and a part of him — embarrassed as he might be by it now that he had to confront it — had accepted it without arguing.

It shouldn't feel weird and he didn't _want_ it to feel weird, but it did. Only momentarily, for sure, but it did feel weird.

It had never occurred to him that Jensen might be anything but straight. It made a certain sense to hear that he wasn't, but Cougar had never thought to question it on his own. He had just assumed that Jensen was straight, like so many else.

But that was Cougar's mistake, for being narrow-minded and presumptuous enough to put Jensen in a box he clearly didn't belong in. Jensen was undefinable by nature, and Cougar should have known better. Jensen was a bright, brilliant chaos of confusing, contradicting, and marvelous personality traits, and Cougar should have remembered that.

So yeah, maybe he shouldn't have been so surprised.

One of the few consolations was that Cougar didn't feel a need to change his behavior just because of what he had found out. It still felt natural to allow Jensen into his personal space, and there were no changes to their everyday routines. Cougar might be thinking about Jensen's reveal more often than was probably polite, but he made sure that it didn't affect anything on the outside.

Well, nothing too obvious.

He couldn't deny that he took to watching Jensen with a whole new interest whenever they went out. With the new information Cougar now had, he was suddenly aware of just how ignorant he had been in order to miss the lingering, appreciative looks Jensen graced both males and females with. Cougar had only ever noticed the ones aimed at women before.

Cougar studied the men Jensen seemed to find particularly intriguing, but he wasn't surprised to conclude that there wasn't much of a type there. Jensen liked blonds and much as he liked brunets, redheads, and those with black hair, and there were no special body types or heights he seemed to prefer. Jensen just liked people in general, and seemed to be attracted to them based on criteria unrelated to their physical appearance.

Not that Jensen ever acted on it — not even with women. He seemed completely content just admiring from afar.

He did look increasingly uncomfortable when he started noticing Cougar's scrutiny, however, to the point where Cougar forced himself to stop. The last thing he wanted was for Jensen to feel like a sideshow freak — not when he had showed a great deal of trust in Cougar by revealing what he had — and it wasn't important anyway. Cougar was curious, yes, and it helped him understand Jensen better, but one night of Jensen looking self-conscious and fidgety was quite enough. Especially since Jensen left early, presumably to flee the unwanted attention.

Cougar still had a hard time wrapping his head around it.

Not Jensen — since he knew that Jensen was impossible to understand no matter how hard he might try to figure him out — but the situation as a whole. He couldn't say why Jensen's sexuality confused him so much, but it started off a chain reaction of questions that Cougar had never thought he would find himself asking.

It was a relief to realize that the more he thought about the subject, the easier it felt. It might have taken him a couple of weeks, but by then it didn't feel weird anymore. It felt like any other natural part of Jensen that Cougar accepted without question.

It became another fact that During Jensen, Cougar had grown wise enough to realize that a person's sexual orientation in no way affected their worth or should change the way he looked at them. Jensen was the same as he had always been, and nothing had changed just because Cougar knew that Jensen liked men as well as women.

As easy as that was to accept when in relation to Jensen, it wasn't as easy when it came to himself. Mostly because Cougar had never thought that he would have to start doubting his own sexuality.

He had never thought that he'd find himself attracted to his best friend.

He was willing to place some of the blame on Jensen, for having opened up the possibility with his reveal, and also for being so mind-blowingly attractive in the first place. But more than anything, Cougar suspected that it was his own fault. Not that it was wrong somehow — he knew that it wasn't and kept telling himself that it wasn't — but he had let it happen. He had allowed Jensen to make himself at home, closer than any other person had ever been before, and with a greater impact than anyone succeeding him would ever have.

Cougar treated Jensen as an extension of himself. So maybe it wasn't so strange that he found himself longing for Jensen in a more intimate capacity that he had ever imagined that he would.

It took him weeks to even realize that what he was feeling when he looked at Jensen wasn't what it used to be. The warm, comforting fondness had an added sizzle of need that Cougar had first interpreted as a yearning to get closer, but not to what extent.

It had taken him until Jensen hugged him after one of their less successful missions to even realize that it was sexual. That Cougar's instinctive reaction to the closeness and relief at seeing Jensen whole and well was to turn his head and kiss him.

He didn't, of course, but it was a near thing. It would have felt just as natural as wrapping his arms around Jensen's waist and hugging him back, which was what Cougar ended up doing, despite how his thoughts had come to a screeching halt at his own impulse.

Aching to kiss your male best friend wasn't normal — not in Cougar's world.

And it wasn't a onetime thing, either.

More and more often Cougar had to fight an urge to run his hand along Jensen's back, just to see if he would be able to feel the excitement Jensen always seemed to be vibrating with against his palms. Or let his arm wrap around Jensen's waist and pull him just an inch closer than usual, because he craved the warmth of him. Or kiss him, in all the places you shouldn't want to kiss your best friend. He wanted to lick Jensen's collarbones — taste him and trail kisses along his neck.

Even the thought of Jensen's beard scratching against his skin had him shiver in anticipation, and it definitely shouldn't have. He wasn't attracted to men — at least not Before Jensen. But now he undeniably was. He couldn't even write it off as being confused by the signals Jensen was sending him or the depth of their friendship, because Jensen had never indicated that it was sexual. It was physical and intimate, but not sexual. That was all Cougar's own doing.

It terrified him.

Not only because he now had to ask all those questions in relation to himself, but because he had no idea if Jensen was interested back. Just because Jensen was attracted to both men and women, it didn't mean that Cougar was one of them.

He wasn't sure if he _wanted_ to be. He wasn't sure if he would be capable of acting on it, even if he had confirmation that Jensen felt the same.

Cougar was supposed to be straight. He wasn't supposed to be attracted to his male best friend. He wasn't supposed to get turned on by the thought of being close to Jensen. He wasn't supposed to feel his heart swell with yearning as soon as he looked at him.

But he was and he did.

Cougar didn't just want to have sex with Jensen — he was in all likelihood in love with him too. Everything seemed to point towards it. And Cougar was terrified, as embarrassing as that was to realize. He had thought himself beyond freaking out because of something like this.

He had clearly given himself too much credit.

His first reaction was to deny it. Not Jensen, of course — he probably wouldn't be able to even if he tried — but the depth of Cougar's emotions and impulses. He put it out of his mind and pretended that everything was the same as it had always been.

He didn't have the guts to face it head on.

Little by little, that became unbearable, however, since Cougar found himself lacking the discipline to look away when Jensen came out from the shower with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Just like he couldn't ignore the frankly obscene sounds Jensen made when eating something he enjoyed. Or move out of reach when Jensen curled up next to him during their missions, so close that Cougar could hear his soft breaths in his ear and revel in the smell of his skin.

He wanted Jensen so much that it was impossible to deny it — especially due to something as inconsequential as Jensen's gender. It made Cougar uncomfortable and confused, yes, but he _knew_ that it didn't matter. The awkwardness he felt was a reflex, not an actual choice, and it was born from prejudice and misinformation.

But it was still difficult to accept. Cougar felt his own reluctance, both due to his Catholic upbringing and years in the army, but when he stripped it down the core of it all the matter was simple, really. Because it was Jensen. How could Cougar possibly say that Jensen wasn't worth it? Or that Jensen wasn't good enough for him? Because Jensen was. Jensen was pure and innocent in a way that a soldier shouldn't be able to be — not after what Jensen had seen — but he was. He was so genuine and precious that it _hurt_ to look at him sometimes.

How could Cougar possibly say that loving Jensen was wrong?

The simple answer was that he couldn't. Because Jensen was worth everything and more than Cougar could offer. Loving Jensen was just one of many things that were different During Jensen, and Cougar would just have to accept that, no matter what it said about his own preferences. In the end, Cougar was more confused than appalled.

Loving Jensen wasn't wrong.

That didn't mean that he thought it was easy, or that he reached some kind of epiphany that made it painless to be in Jensen's presence. No, all it did was make Cougar less prone to internal panicking, which was admittedly a relief after having spent months worrying about it.

He was able to come to terms with his own unexpected attraction — that went against a lifetime of only being interested in women — and was grateful that he wasn't in any way disgusted with himself or Jensen. He found peace, of sorts, knowing that it was nothing to be afraid of. He could relax, even if he still kept his impulses on a short leash.

Too bad he had less control over his reflexes.

He wasn't sure what else to call it.

'It' being the moment he completely forgot about him and Jensen being platonic friends and not lovers. In a way, he felt that he couldn't be blamed because he and Jensen behaved more like a married couple than some married couples did, but it was a feeble argument at best.

It didn't change the fact that one day, when Jensen was about to go to the store and Cougar was distracted by the dishes from breakfast, he kissed him goodbye. He hadn't planned to. It wasn't even a conscious thought — more like an instinctual response to Jensen leaving the house, for however short a while it might be.

Jensen asked if Cougar wanted anything besides chocolate ice cream, and once he shook his head and Jensen threw out his casual 'see you later' Cougar didn't find it weird to reach out, curl his fingers around the back of Jensen's neck and give him a kiss in reply. It might have been more of a peck really — the kind couples seemed to exchange on pure reflex — but the distinct difference being that he and Jensen _weren't_ a couple.

Despite this, Jensen kissed back, and it took them both until they were pulling back to realize what had just happened. They froze in surprise, Cougar's hand still warm against the side of Jensen's neck. Cougar wasn't sure if pulling it away would make things better or worse. Judging by the wide-eyed look on Jensen's face, it probably didn't matter all that much. It wouldn't change the fact that they had kissed with the kind of familiarity that only couples did, and now had to face the consequences.

"Uh," was everything Jensen seemed able to utter, which had to be a first.

Cougar had no idea what to do. That was also somewhat out of the ordinary, but not entirely unexpected considering the circumstances. In the end he just remained where he was, staring at the surprise on Jensen's face, knowing that it was probably mirrored on his own.

Then, without warning, Jensen seemed to snap out of it, taking a step backwards — almost as if he was recoiling away from Cougar.

It would be a lie to say that Cougar didn't feel his heart clench at the sight.

"I'm so sorry," Jensen blurted out, looking practically terrified.

Cougar frowned, lowering his hand, which had remained hanging in the air after Jensen had stepped away.

"What for?"

Jensen hadn't done anything. Or at the least not something that should make him look so frightened. If he was trying to let Cougar down gently he should have looked apologetic or pitying, not like _he_ had done something wrong.

Jensen opened his mouth to reply, but didn't have time to speak before he seemed to catch on, stopping short instead. Cougar could practically see the moment Jensen's brain started processing what had just happened — his head tilted adorably to the side — quickly followed by a look of absolute wonder when he reached his conclusion.

"You—" Jensen's eyes were wide with surprise. " _You_ kissed _me_." It was said in a way that implied that Jensen had clearly thought it should have been the other way around.

That was interesting.

"But... that makes no sense." Jensen was frowning now, but not in anger. He just seemed unable to grasp what was going on.

Cougar wasn't much better off.

"I know."

"You're straight!" Jensen said it as if Cougar wasn't well aware of this fact.

"I know."

"And I'm a man."

"I know." That was quite difficult to miss.

Bewilderment was written all across Jensen's face.

"This makes no sense."

"I know," Cougar replied with a roll of his eyes.

A second of silence spanned between them, a frown settling on Jensen's face.

"Why?"

It was terrifying how much that one word could change, if Cougar chose to reply honestly. He toyed with the idea of lying, but he wasn't sure if he would be able to. Not to Jensen's face, or about something like this.

"I wanted to."

Even if he hadn't planned it, Cougar definitely wanted to. He wanted to touch and kiss and explore. He wanted everything.

"But, Cougs, you're not— you know..." Jensen made a vague hand gesture that could mean pretty much anything, but Cougar got the gist of it.

"No, I'm not," he confirmed, not missing how it made Jensen shrink in on himself, just enough for it to be obvious that the reply, though expected, might not be the one Jensen wanted. Cougar let that settle for a second, not surprised by the realization slowly dawning on him. "But you want me to be."

Jensen flinched — actually flinched — and opened his mouth as if to protest. Cougar didn't allow him to get that far.

"That's why you told me."

Jensen shied back like the words were an accusation rather than a statement — and maybe they were.

That was why Jensen had brought it up in the first place. Why he had suddenly told Cougar that he was open to male companionship. Either because wanted to ask if he had a shot with Cougar, or make sure that he didn't.

Cougar should have seen that. Jensen's hesitation had been uncharacteristic enough that he should have realized that there was something more to it than nerves.

"I— well, that's—"

"I want to be," Cougar interrupted, taking a step closer, feeling much like he was walking towards his own execution. He truly hoped he hadn't read the signs wrong.

Jensen's gaze snapped up, his eyes wide.

"Wha— really?" His voice was pitched higher than usual, but his anxiously hunched shoulders seemed to straighten, instinctively gravitating towards Cougar, like he so often did.

Cougar nodded, daring to move even closer, until he was pushing well into Jensen's personal space. Cougar was hyperaware of the practically non-existent distance between them, and how it made Jensen hold his breath to have him this close. It usually wouldn't, but this situation was noticeably different.

The tension in the air had nothing to do with friendship.

"I think I am." He met and held Jensen's gaze. "For you, at least."

Jensen swallowed, seemingly too afraid to move. He didn't look away, though, not shying away from the intensity in Cougar's gaze and the loaded emotions found therein. When Jensen eventually exhaled Cougar felt it like a soft caress against his lips.

"This isn't something you thought of just now, is it?" Jensen asked, voice low and careful, as if he feared that he would break the spell if he spoke too loudly. "It's not new."

Cougar shook his head. He had been carrying this for a while now.

"Wow," Jensen breathed, sounding a bit awed. "That's... wow. So you want to? With me?"

It was pretty amusing how they seemed afraid to speak the actual words, but Cougar couldn't deny that a part of him was still terrified of them. It was new and nerve-wracking, especially if he was expected to act on them. But when he stood there, with Jensen's bright blue eyes shining with hope and budding excitement, he didn't have it in him to say no. He couldn't find a single reason to why he should hide it.

He _did_ want this.

" _Sí_. I want to." Cougar raised his hand, letting it settle against Jensen's broad chest, covering his heart. "More than anything." He met Jensen's gaze with less fear than he had thought himself capable of. "Do you?"

Jensen's nod was urgent, and maybe just a tiny bit desperate.

"Yeah. Yeah, I do. You have no idea how much I do, Cougs." The slight catch in his voice gave Cougar a clue, however. And the way Jensen's hand trembled when he let the back of his fingers brush tentatively against Cougar's cheek — as if he was prepared to snatch his hand back at the smallest sign of regret or discomfort. There was none. All Cougar did was to close his eyes and angle his head towards the touch, reveling in the tenderness of it.

"I never thought—" Jensen faltered, but continued quickly, "—that you'd want to. When I asked you seemed so sure, and I decided that it was better not to tell you about it because I didn't want to put pressure on your or force you to want something you didn't and—"

Cougar hushed him softly, his hand sliding higher, until it was brushing against Jensen's neck. His skin was warm under Cougar's fingertips.

"I do now," he said firmly, surprised by how he didn't feel even the slightest twinge of uncertainty or unease. He really did want this, with every fiber of his being.

Jensen let out a breath before nodding, his smile weak but growing stronger.

"I believe you."

"Good."

And with that Cougar reached up to place another kiss on Jensen's lips. It was still soft, like the first one, but held more intent. It wasn't a reflex this time, but a choice. Cougar wanted to kiss Jensen, and he made sure that Jensen knew that too.

They still had a lot to discuss — that much was obvious — but this was a start. One more thing to add to the list of things that were different During Jensen.

Cougar had a feeling that this one would be a whole lot more enjoyable than some of the others, and would make him even less prone to accept that there might come an After Jensen at some point.

But that was fine, because if the way Jensen clung to him — eager and a little desperate — was anything to go by, it wouldn't be anytime soon.

They would both see to that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This first kiss is one of my absolute favourites, by the way. I just can't help it.
> 
> [CarpeDentum](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CarpeDentum) was kind enough to beta, and you can find the original Tumblr post for this fic [HERE](http://amethystinawrites.tumblr.com/post/108668158277/before-and-during).


End file.
